When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
