all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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