I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
