Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
