I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
