I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
