I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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