Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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