i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Shame - the story of my life.
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