we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.