I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
