I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Is it penis luge time yet?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
