Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
This house was built for laser tag.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
