when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
