I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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