They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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