shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
