i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
