Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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