I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
