I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
