I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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