You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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