I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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