Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
