If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
