I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
