Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
