This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
