Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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