If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it hurts more in the daytime
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
