He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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