Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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