We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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