saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
