You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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