In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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