hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
