I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
how does that bad decision feel?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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