your room smells of hookers.
And success
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
