Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
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her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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