I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
