Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
