Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
