weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She bit a glass in half.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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