I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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