are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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