i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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