I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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