I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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