remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
