Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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