WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
