I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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