My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
