I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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