Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
