I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
